...reminiscing and scapegoat clarification...

Yesterday, I spent nearly the whole day at my parents’ house. Talk about feeling the past.

Nothing happened to trigger this per say. I just started remembering all sorts of old times. Especially out in the front yard. So many memorable things took place in that front yard; in the downstairs area, too. It is absolutely amazing how things have evolved between then and now.

I used to be a complete dork in high school. I didn’t get it. I ran around, doing Jim Carrey impressions and cracking lame jokes, because I thought that people would like me. I was one geeky guy. Then, I met my friends, and boom, things changed fast. Scott helped me tone myself down, and in turn I opened him up and actually got him to talk. It’s scary; the Quill everyone knows (or in some cases claim to know) is largely because of Scott, and the Scott everyone knows (or claims to know) is largely because of me. I think (and this is just my opinion, mind you) that’s why we work as a team and as friends so well. Bug Juice was formed, and for a while, my circle of friends was my life. I didn’t really have a clear direction. Then, I met Heather, and life changed again. I got the fire lit under me to do something with my life, and I did it. I went to college with a goal, and even though that goal evolved itself, now I have a degree. And, eventually, a ‘real’ job (fast food, Convergys, etc. are all ‘real’ jobs, but you guys know what I mean). Somewhere in there, I got married, and now I have a family. I can hardly believe all the changes.

I’ve gained friends, lost friends, dropped friends…I’ve changed in so many ways. And you know what? For the first time, I really looked at the bigger picture, and I found out that I like myself. I spend a lot of time defending myself against the high school games that we are constantly playing; I worry about so much trivial bullshit. But in the long run, even though I’m a wise-ass and I sometimes say and do stupid things that I shouldn’t, I mean well and I’m a good guy and I no longer need to defend any of that. I have better things to do with my time, like enjoy life. If someone has a problem with me or the things I do…they can certainly talk to me about it, and I will try to do better by them. But I am who I am. If someone doesn’t “get” my shtick of being a smart-ass by now…well, they probably never will. I make jokes, people. Sometimes, my joking stings. I don’t do it out of hate, or to intentionally hurt someone’s feelings. I just put my foot in my mouth often with the shit that I joke about. All I can do is be a man and own up to my mistakes and attempt to make things right. Anyway, given the fact that it’s common knowledge that I joke all the time, and that sometimes those jokes seem mean-spirited without me realizing it, it doesn’t exactly make sense why people would get pissed. It’s not like I have been doing this same thing for YEARS or anything. Also, here’s a quote from Joe B.: “The thing to remember is not to focus on how Steve is saying it, but what he says.” Also, from Scott: “You just say things that bring to light the things that people don’t want to admit to themselves.”

One of the things that HAVEN’T evolved in all this time is my tendency to somehow always be a scapegoat in this group. Nick “Pussy Viking” is a prime example of this. He has a dislike of me, mainly because of all the shit I give him. I can see that, I really can; but he is under the false impression that I am the reason he is now made fun of. Nick, here’s a wake up call for you – I didn’t start your humiliation. Your group has been dogging you for YEARS, long before I knew you. They tricked you into thinking Caucasian meant you were black…you have always been the “beaver” in your group. You are the Tweek from Baseketball; you are the Chunk from Goonies. You’re the guy in the group that is picked on and hilariously made fun of. You can blame me for that all you want, but I think it’s you running away from the cold, hard truth of the matter. Don’t believe me? Ask. If I had never called you “Pussy Viking” in the first place, you would STILL be the “Pussy Viking” in spirit. That’s a verbatim quote from someone very close to you, too.

Oh, and Nick Wilson is now married. WTF..? When did THAT happen? Not even their families knew about it until afterwards. Sounds like a shitty wedding to me; but hey, I like the big party that is supposed to be involved, with all my friends and family there, and good food and lots of wine and drinks. Otherwise, it’s like sex without foreplay – just another get in, get out affair.

At any rate, I will ponder on more subjects at a later time. Juice!

Quote of the Blog: “Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive.” – Mel Brooks