...pariah...

I know this topic has gotten old very quickly, so this will be the last post about it. I hope.

I have been doing some soul-searching, and I have decided that I need not hate myself for the shit that went down. Like I said to Andrea, it's not like I'm Satan, I'm just dumb. Meaning, I didn't wake up and ask myself "How can I hurt someone's feelings today?", I just failed to think before I typed/spoke. That's a common occurrence with me, unfortunately. However, it does separate me from being someone who MEANS to hurt someone, despite that the end result is much the same. People will no doubt have their opinions that differ from that view, and that's fine; at least I know I'm not an evil and malicious person.

Also, I find this next fact very funny. The person who is on my ass about being made fun of too much, both does it himself to others and also led me and everyone else who does it to him to believe that he was cool with it. Now, of course, none of that really changes anything, but it does raise the following questions:

1) Ok, so you don't like people (in this instance, me) making mean remarks about you. Fine. But then why would you turn around and see no problem at all doing it to someone else? How can it work that it's okay for you call someone fat, or a slut and a stupid bitch that you want to kill, or taking delight in verbal abusing P.V. every chance you get, but then when it's your turn for someone to talk about you, you have to be upset about it? That sounds a bit hypocritical to me. At least I let people rip into me as much as they want...I do this because of my long history of making jokes and making fun, and I figure it's only fair that it happens to me, too. In fact, I encourage it. And if you want to say it doesn't happen, ask Scott or Joe how many "Steve is dumb as a brick" jokes have been made as of late.

2) Now that you've gone off on me for calling you ugly, are you going to go after the other guys? I mean, I'm not the only one who picks on you--oh sure, I have that reputation for doing it, but it's not just me. I won't name the people, but there are several, and everyone knows this. And, if you're NOT going to bitch at everyone else, why not? How can the word "ugly" be more offensive coming from ME than it does from someone else? IT'S THE SAME WORD NO MATTER WHO SAYS IT. Sometimes it almost seems like it's okay and just joking around when the other guys do it, but when I do it it's suddenly an issue.

3) I couldn't count the times all of us, myself included, have asked you to tell us if we're out of line. To communicate to us when we've gone too far with our joking, or when we've made a joke which shouldn't be made. And what did you do? You told us it was okay, that you didn't care, that you thought it was funny. And still we asked you, "are you sure?" And still you claimed it was alright, it was just joking around. You even went so far as to make jokes yourself about it. Well, it's good that you finally spoke up about it, even though you probably should have earlier to avoid it coming to this situation. However, in all honesty, with you telling us it was okay, and making jokes yourself, and acting all cool about it even though we asked to make sure...what did you expect us to think? What did you expect ME to think especially, with the way I am? Despite what many believe, I am aware that I have a filter problem with my joking, and don't always know when enough is too much. This is why I ask people to tell me what not to say or when I've gone too far with something.

Anyway, in closing (finally, right?), whatever Beaver decides to do from here is his call, and I certainly don't blame him if he never spoke to me again. But it's not like I was intentionally trying to dick my friend, and I won't be told that I was. And I would hope that Dan would now spare doing this to someone else, or at least make it known to others that he doesn't like something and allow it to continue until he snaps again. And, once again: Dan, I am sorry.