You Might Be A Republican If...
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You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend".
You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.
You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
You once broke loose at a party and removed your necktie.
You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."
You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."
You answer to "The Man."
You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You scream, "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."
You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
You've ever said “civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.”
You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You've ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.
You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
You're afraid of the liberal media.
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
If you believe the government should stay out of the church’s business, then believe in faith based initiatives, you might be a Republican.
If you believe Saddam Hussein needs to be bombed, but that Mubarak and Musharif need American aid, and China needs most favored nation trading status, you might be a Republican.
If you believe Machiavelli was right, you might be a Republican.
If you believe that the government is violating our rights, then support the Patriot Act, you might be a Republican.
If you believe that deficits are bad, but pass tax cuts without corresponding program reductions, you might be a Republican.
If you believe that we are fighting this war to defend American values, then want to hang all the war protesters, you might be a Republican.
If you believe in the right to keep and bear arms, but want to destroy Iraq and North Korea for the weapons that they possess, you might be a Republican.
If you think mentioning Buddha or Mohammed in schools violates the separation of church and state, but want the kids to keep pledging allegiance to a nation “under God”, you might be a Republican.
If you do not believe in a “vast, right wing conspiracy,” but DO believe in a “vast left wing conspiracy”, you might be a Republican.
If you believe that television news is biased and left wing, but believe that Rush Limbaugh and Micheal Savage are fair and balanced, you might be a Republican.
If you believe Donald Rumsfeld is sane, you might be a Republican.
If you believe that Clinton was immoral because of his affair with the office staff, but believe Eisenhower was a great man despite his affair with his secretary, you might be a Republican.
If you think it was unfair that Lincoln got shot, but great that Kennedy got shot, you might be a Republican.
If you STILL think it is all Clinton’s fault, you might be a Republican.
If you believe that John Ashcroft is really interested in justice, you might be a Republican.
If you believe Texans riding around in armed pickup trucks are just expressing their freedoms, but Afghans riding around in armed pickup trucks are a grave threat to America’s freedom, you might be a Republican. AND a redneck.
If you believe anything coming out of Paul Wolfowitz’s mouth, you are seriously deluded, plus maybe a republican.
If you believe that Bush prefers war to diplomacy because it is easier to spell, you are almost as cynical as me.
If you believe that anyone who can see through the steaming fetid pile of bovine excrement that passes for GOP rhetoric is a liberal, you might be a Republican.
If you believe it is worth destroying a 225 year old alliance with France just to smash a petty two-bit tyrant, you might be a republican.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime,
unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock,
which makes it an "illness" and needs our prayers for
your "recovery".
You have to believe that those privileged from birth
achieve success all on their own.
You have to believe that the US should get out of
the UN, and that our highest national priority is
enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.
You have to believe that government should stay out
of people's lives but it needs to punish anyone caught
having private sex with the "wrong" gender.
You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as
it makes a profit.
You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as
you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
"Standing Tall for America" means firing your
workers and moving their jobs to India.
You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted
with decisions about her own body, but that large
multi-national corporations can make decisions
affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.
You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus
loves you, and that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS
victims, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.
You hate the ACLU for representing convicted
felons, but they owed it to the country to bail out
Oliver North.
You have to believe that the best way to encourage
military morale is to praise the troops overseas while
cutting their VA benefits.
You believe that group sex and drug use are
degenerate sins that can only be purged by running for
governor of California as a Republican.
You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out
of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have
condoms they won't have sex.
You have to believe that the best way to fight
terrorism is to alienate our allies and then demand
their cooperation and money.
You have to believe that government medicine is
wrong and that HMO's and insurance companies only have
your best interests at heart.
You have to believe that providing health care to
all Iraqis is sound government policy but providing
health care to all Americans is socialism personified.
You believe that tobacco's link to cancer and
global warming are "junk science", but Creationism
should be taught in schools.
You have to believe that waging war with no exit
strategy was wrong in Vietnam but right in Iraq.
You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when
Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war
on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with
him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find
Bin Laden" diversion.
You believe that government should restrict itself
to just the powers named in the Constitution, which
includes banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.
You have to believe that the public has a right to
know about the adulterous affairs of Democrats, while
those of Republicans are a "private matter".
You have to believe that the public has a right to
know about Hillary's cattle trades but that Bush was
right to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional
9/11 report because you just can't handle the truth.
You support state rights, which means Ashcroft
telling states what locally passed voter initiatives he
will allow them to have.
You have to believe that what Clinton did in the
1960's is of vital national interest but what Bush did
decades later is "stale news" and "irrelevant".
You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because
it is communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is just dandy.
Government should relax regulation of Big Business
and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana
to relieve the pain of illness.
And, if you are Bill Janklow, speed limits and stop signs
are for OTHER people, not for yourself.
