...revelations and clarifications a.k.a. The Bug Juice/Quill Million-Mile-Long 'Blog

This is probably going to be my longest entry. I have recently come to some revelations about everything concerning Bug Juice, and some things concerning myself, through conversations with Andrea, Heather, and Scott. I’m forced by necessity to use examples and people in this, so please bear with that. I’m not posting old situations to stir shit, but it’s easier to explain things this way. Hold on to your hats…

THE PAST

This group used to be awesome. We all started with Scott, Corey, DeLarbar, Beaver, and me. We all hated each other in high school, but somehow became friends. Scott and I, we were the common link between everyone, half the people knew him (example: Joe Dimitro), half knew me (example: Quazi). We kept getting more and more people in the group, and there were very little secrets. Every inside joke, every story, belonged to everyone. It was like some utopian society…no, not a society; just a very large group of close friends, like a big family almost.

Well, that was then; this is now.

PROBLEMS

People started getting pissed off about Scott and me calling us the “leaders.” People started getting pissed off at each other. People started talking about each other behind their backs (EVERYONE is guilty of this; every single fucking person). People went to college, people got full-time jobs; others didn’t. A great rift opened between (some) people. Damn it, this isn’t the way things are supposed to be. We’re practically a family for crissakes! I can understand not liking someone (examples: Corey doesn’t really like Quazi too much; I don’t like Joe D.; Scott doesn’t like Jay; etc.), but the above-mentioned bullshit there is no excuse for.

“INCLUDE ME OR DIE”

Lately, when something is going on, let’s just say Scott and I are hanging out, people bitch because they weren’t included. I hate this. The whole “where was I” bullshit. People are not always going to be able to include everyone. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard someone complain about how they weren’t included or involved in something or some outing. People, you cannot be involved in everything; some things are just between two people, or a small handful of people. And, some jokes are between two people or a handful of people. And, some events or happenings are run by only certain people (i.e. the message board, the website, parties, outings, concerts, etc.). The sooner this is realized, the better.

SCAPEGOAT

This would have been included in my “Quill Issues” section; but it’s not, because like it or not, accept it or not, it is a Bug Juice issue. For some reason, I get shit on for stuff that no one else gets shits on for. For instance, I have an opinion about something, and I voice it. Scott, Corey, and maybe another person voice the EXACT SAME OPINION. But who gets yelled at when it’s not agreed with? Me. Another example, a recent one: Beaver recently went on a little bitch-fit at me for not coming down to visit him in Cape. Now, nobody ELSE has come to visit him either, including Scott, Corey, Erich…but they didn’t get anything said to them by Beaver. Recently, Beaver has apologized for that, and I DO appreciate it. However, it’s not the only time it’s happened. I routinely get harped on for shit that nobody else does. It’s total bullshit. For some reason, it’s okay for others to say certain things, but the minute I say something similar, I get jumped on. This isn’t the way shit should be, nor is it very fair. I can handle being shit on for things that I’m deserving of, but I am not (and should not be) the fucking scapegoat of this group, nor do I wish to be any longer, and I refuse to let it continue.

CHANGES

Some people have left our group, either just by life happenings (i.e. Yan Felcman, Nick Schilli, etc.) or by total vote (i.e. James Steib). Some have gone away to college and now have lives of their own (i.e. me, Campo) and some stayed in St. Louis and continued to simmer in the same situations (i.e. Corey, Quazi). Some have become parents and have major responsibilities now (i.e. Quazi, Jess, Pussy Viking) and others just got married and can’t drop everything to go out all the time (i.e. me). Some people have jobs that dictate what they do and when they can do it (i.e. Scott, me, Quazi). People have gotten jobs or gone away to school; people’s lives are constantly changing and growing. All of this really changes nothing but the suit our group is wearing at the time. We can all still remain great friends if we accept the changes we are each going through as individuals.

…FOR THE GOOD OF THE GROUP

This is a very skewed philosophy. Person A dislikes/has animosity towards Person B; Person C argues that Person A should attend a party where Person B is going to be at, for the good of the rest of the alphabet group. I’m sorry, but that’s a bullshit theory. I don’t believe that just because I don’t attend a party, it ruins the whole thing for everyone else. If anything, I’m the one missing out, so who gives a flying fuck? It’s my philosophy that people shouldn’t be required to put up with or swallow anything just to keep numbers at a party up. If I don’t like Joe Dimitro (just as an example), I shouldn’t be required to attend a party where he’s going to be. That doesn’t stop anyone else from attending said party; it doesn’t prevent anyone else from having a good time. If anything, my being there would be a tension situation, opening the possibility wide open for an argument or fight. The whole ‘for the good of the group’ philosophy actually achieves the opposite of what it claims to do. It should be ‘for the BAD of the group’ instead.

********** And Now, Some Steve (Quill) Issues!!!!! ***********

Certain situations just keep coming back up in relevance to current events. I am fucking tired of giving the same explanations about the same things over and over, like a broken record. This is the absolute LAST time I’m going to defend any of this; after this, it’s going to be bitch-out time. You have been warned.

BEING THE “LEADER”; WANTING “CONTROL” & “POWER” OVER THIS GROUP

Years ago, Scott and I started calling ourselves the “leaders” of our group. We did this because we recognized that we often had people following in our leads or doing what we said. People got pissed. We stopped. But you know, I never WANTED to be a leader of anything. I never wanted to be at the epicenter of events and happenings. It’s just the way the cards fell in my life. It’s not MY fault that, sometimes, it seems that people follow in my lead. I honestly do not know why anyone would. I like to march to the beat of my OWN drum, and I never asked anyone to emulate me or my actions or opinions in any way. I realize that some people view that as me being held in a ‘more important’ light by people as a whole. Just some examples: Andrea sometimes feels shitty that no one comes to her concerts that she likes, but everyone went to see Gravity Kills shows back in the day. Beaver sometimes feels the same way, that I may hold a higher importance. Whether that’s actually true, I can’t say, I honestly don’t know. But I do know that I don’t hold a gun to anyone’s head and tell them to like me more than someone else; I don’t force anyone in our group to dislike someone based on my own, personal reasons; I don’t try to persuade anyone of anything, or to be a certain way. I never asked anyone to hold me in a light of importance. If it seems like anyone is following my lead on an issue, blame those actions on HIM OR HER, NOT ME, because frankly, I don’t CAUSE anyone to be that way. I only do my own thing, and I invite people along for the ride. I make suggestions that are followed sometimes. But I never, ever tried to subvert anyone to doing what I wanted him or her to do. I wouldn’t choose to be our leader if you PAID me; I don’t want the responsibility of accountability when things would go wrong. Somehow, I still get that accountability on my head. If anyone should be bitched at if I’m considered a leader, it should be the people who put me in that position and view me in that light. I never willingly elected myself, nor did I accept or don any kind of position of authority. King of Quill does NOT mean leader of Bug Juice. Period.

JOE DIMITRO

Over the years, there has been question over exactly WHY I am no longer friends with Joe Dimitro. I’ll tell you why:

Reason 1) There was a ‘situation’ that happened between his army buddy, Kenny, and my now-wife, then-girlfriend, Heather. Everyone knows what happened. Joe betrayed our friendship by backing Kenny instead of backing ME, when Kenny was CLEARLY the one in the wrong.

Reason 2) When Dave was basically at the mercy of Jay Winkleman, Beaver, and his wife, Mandy, he was all about staying neutral and letting Mandy and Dave work it out themselves; he advocated it any time I talked to him about it. It didn’t stop, and after awhile, I decided to step up and go to the mat for my brother. I threatened Jay and Beaver, and bitched Mandy out and told her to stop that shit. Joe then decided to stand up for Mandy. I guess staying neutral only works one way.

Reason 3) Joe and Vince took me back to school one time. They stayed the night. During that night, they had me go into a lesbian chat room and pretend to be a lesbian. After awhile, I got tired (and bored), and went to bed; meanwhile they both stayed up cybering with lesbians and whoever else. The next day, they left after I had gotten them gas funds. Needless to say, Joe wasn’t home when Mandy was expecting him; so to cover his ass, he told Mandy that it was MY fault; that I had kept them both up all night cybering and wouldn’t let them leave. He later told this story to others, including Heather one month after I proposed to her. I don’t appreciate being lied on.

The three reasons stated above are just broad explanations, but they serve the purpose of explaining it anyway. I did NOT drop Joe because I felt he was ‘finding out life didn’t revolve around me’; I did NOT drop Joe because of Mandy. I did NOT drop Joe because he had some sort of ‘dirt’ on me. I did what I did because it was too many stabs in my back for my taste.

ERICH MUELLER

My problems with Erich do not lie with Toni. It’s true, Toni is not my favorite person in the world, but I’ve had problems with my friends’ girlfriends before, and was able to maintain the friendship regardless (i.e. Scott when he was with Sarah Keinzle). Erich ditched his friends after he started dating Toni. He doesn’t see that; he sees it as WE ditched HIM. Nevertheless, ditching us is what took place. My problem with Erich is just that. I was (am) his friend of 8 years going on 9; I was there when his other group ditched him; I listened to his pessimistic talk for years and stood by him. The least he can do is spare an hour or two away from his girlfriend for me, and for all the other guys who have also been there for him. I can understand wanting to be around your girl all the time, but friends are important as well, and it’s not cool to simply not hang around them anymore. I think that says it all. If you need any more explanation than that, then you probably don’t understand MOST of what’s in this post anyway.

MY WEDDING

Ah, my LEAST favorite subject that just refuses to fucking die. GOD…DAMN…IT. To those who have already moved past this, I’m not bringing it up to bitch anyone out, but since it keeps being brought up…I am addressing it.

1) I am sincerely sorry that I couldn’t include everyone in my wedding party. It is really more expensive the more people you have in your party. Erich and Beaver feel that they are the only ones that weren’t included. Well…not true. My friends from school, Tom and John, who I am very close to weren’t able to be involved. Neither were my friends Brent and Matt, who I also knew for YEARS from school. I had to make a choice on people. I didn’t just pick favorites. Three spots were already spoken for: my brother, Dave, Scott (as the best friend), and Heather’s brother, Jeremy. That left only TWO spots open. I picked Chris “Quazi” because he is my oldest friend; I’ve known him since we were about five years old, living off of South Broadway. I picked Campo because back in the day, before he went away to school, I was hanging with him on a daily basis; he was a friend from movie making, from drama club, all kinds of stuff. Boom. There were my five spots, all filled up. No more vacancies. I would have liked to include Corey, Beaver, Erich, Tom, and John; the list continues. Honestly, if I had had my way with it, all of you would have been standing up there with me. Every single fucking one of my boys. But I didn’t HAVE that choice; like I said, it’s expensive. For Christ’s sake, Heather’s brother, Matthew, didn’t get to even be a groomsman, he had to be an usher; Heather really wanted that, but I wanted to fill spots the way I saw fit (after all, she got to pick all of HER girls). Matthew has NEVER complained. Tom and John have NEVER complained. Corey was an usher, and HE never complained. The only people I ever hear complaining about it is Erich and Beaver. Guys, it’s time to get over this; seriously. It was hard enough having to choose, and you guys being fucking babies over it only reflects badly on you and makes me glad I didn’t choose you. I know that’s harsh, but I have tried the non-harsh method all this time, and it hasn’t worked. Yes, I know it stung, and I’m sorry for that, but come the fuck on already! On top of that, I even apologized for it over and over, and it wasn’t MY place to fucking apologize for making a choice that was mine to begin with. Just because I didn’t ask a given person to be in my wedding, that doesn’t reflect that I don’t hold that particular friendship in high regard. It’s selfish and ignorant to treat it as if that was the case.

2) The rehearsal dinner was a mix-up. Being the groom-to-be, I really had no clue what the fuck was going on half the time; weddings are more of a female thing. So, when Andrea Gioia told me that ‘everyone’ was invited to the dinner and that she had heard that from Heather, I thought to myself, “That must be the deal, then.” So I told Beaver and Erich they could come. I later find out that isn’t the case at all. Here’s why: 1) Andrea MUST have misunderstood Heather, because she never said that. 2) My mom has to PAY for every plate, and we already had a shitload of family and out of town guests there as it was. I had no choice but to call and break the bad news to both Erich and Beaver. I admit, I fucked up. But it just keeps being brought up, like it’s a terrible fucking crime I’ve committed that I can’t be forgiven for instead of what it really was, a simple misunderstanding. Again, it’s time to fucking get over it. It’s been over a year. It’s time to stop bitching about it.

FAIRNESS

One of my greatest traits, I think, is my ability to be overwhelmingly fair about things. But it’s also to my detriment here, lately. I have been overly fair in the face of being dogged on and called out. When Hizzy calls me out, instead of doing what a normal person would do and saying ‘fuck off’, I take the stance of fairness and reasoning. Same thing with Beaver. From the example stated above, in the Joe Dimitro section of this, when I threatened Beaver, it wasn’t the first time I’d talked to him about it. I emailed him asking him to please stop mistreating my brother. He responded in kind telling me that he wasn’t going to stop, that he would treat Dave as he pleased, and there wasn’t a damned thing I could do to stop him. Looking back on it, he’s damn lucky I’m as fair as I am, because I should have kicked the ever-living shit out of him for that. I was overly fair with Dimitro, too, which is why there are three examples of him betraying me instead of just one. In this whole Erich situation, I keep calling him and making an effort when I know I’m being called the asshole in the situation and I know I’m getting dogged on. My point here is this: I’m all for being fair with everyone in this group, but that’s being pushed around like a rag-doll in a mosh pit lately, and I’m growing weary of it. My sense of fairness is being taken advantage of, and I can’t let that shit slide for much longer. I am reaching my threshold of tolerance for it. I don’t want to go off on anybody, it’s not the way I like to do things; but it WILL start to happen if this bullshit continues.

BEING A SMARTASS

I make smartass comments all the time. It’s been my trademark from before Bug Juice and beyond. Sometimes, I don’t think before I speak, and I end up saying something hurtful or offensive; something that is past the line of reasonable joking. I am aware of this, but I am also aware that I have that ‘foot in mouth’ affliction, that lack of the filter, that prevents me from knowing where the line is. On the BIG issues I can clearly see the lines and I don’t cross them (i.e. Beaver’s heart condition), but other things like ‘paper and jelly’ and ‘rubber ducky’ are not so clear to me; because one thing Corey joked about, and the other is just masturbation. However, both of these issues were/are sensitive ones to Corey and Dave respectively. Eventually, they called me on it, and as is my way, I ceased making those jokes. My point is, I go too far with my jokes sometimes, but it’s unintentional. Just let me know and I promise I will stop.

LOYALTY TO THE GROUP

On a few occasions, my ‘loyalty’ to our group has been questioned. “Steve doesn’t care about the group” has been said several times. Let me point out just how much I care about things. I spent many a night wrestling with Geocities, which is probably the worst web-publisher EVER created, to bring everyone a Bug Juice website worthy of our insanity and inside jokes. I took time to do all of that, and if any of you think it was for my own amusement, you need to have your head examined, because to make our site look THAT good with Geocities takes A LOT of effort and creativity. I have tried to make peace with everyone I ever had a problem with, with few positive results. I was always coming up with new ideas, like Bug Juice Wrestling, trying and failing to get the Bug Juice Saga movies off the ground, creating Juice Wars; basically trying to hold a group together that routinely seems to WANT to drift apart. I try to include everyone in parties…I’ve invited Erich and Toni to things, even though I have problems with Erich right now. My loyalty to the Juice is probably higher than most, I think. I would say it ranks in the TOP THREE of people who are loyal to Bug Juice.

END

I’m tired of all of this, guys. I’m tired of being made the scapegoat and the target for all the bitching. I’m tired of being BLAMED for other people’s action or inaction. I’m tired of being falsely accused of trying to turn people against someone. I’m tired of what once was a unified group splintered apart and bickering. Council-ish I know, but it’s true, look around. This is all total bullshit. Complete bullshit.

Bug Juice is about friendship and surrogate family. It isn’t about bitching and bickering and bullshit.

(This blog is 3,566 words long; has 15,699 characters without spaces; 19,417 with spaces included.)

Quilled Tunes: “Killing In The Name” – Rage Against The Machine