...*no title*...
A lot of times, I question my own abilities. Physically and mentally and even spiritually. Mostly in things involving going head-to-head. A lot of people take my determination and excitement over such matters as "egotistical" or being full of myself and self-centered; basically thinking that I am a hard-ass who thinks he can take out anybody. Who I can and cannot take out is something that remains to be seen, but has been hinted at once or twice since I improved my abilities. You know, things that I've done, things that have shown through in actions that I've taken. Most notably, my physical strength. It took me about two or three years of INTENSE training to get to the point where the strongest among our group of friends are; and they got that way over their current lifetimes. And while not a total pussy in high school (or so I've been told), I was no where near as strong as I am currently. But with this new stuff came a desire, a drive if you will, to see just how far I can go. That's why I delight in challenges that pit me against hard shit; like moshing, wrestling, fighting, etc. And, since in high school the strongest among us were untouchable, that makes it goal to see how one would fair against that. I don't know if I can do this; I'm sure it's no secret who I refer to when I say "strongest among us", although there ARE more than a few, so maybe it's not AS apparent to everyone. Anyway, mostly this rant is putting thought to words; it's hard to explain, even verbally. The challenge is what drives me. Rising to the challenge and beating it, THAT is the goal. Not to just "be the best". The line between those two things is very thin, almost invisible. I question what I am able to do; I question just how I am able to do certain things and why; I question whether, if I let go and went full-out unrestrained, if I could control that; and I question how far and what other levels there are for me.
It's interesting to see the different reactions to my change in this manner; some were like "whoa dude! fuck yea!" and others were pissed off about it, threatened; and still others could care less. Either way you slice it, the time is approaching when everyone, especially myself, will see just how far I can go and what I can really do. That thought...is both the most exciting and the most frightening to me. Well...one thing that I don't question is this: things are not the way they used to be as far as the pecking order of ability. The deck is shuffling, and when it stops...there's a chance that someone new will be coming up aces.
posted by The Almighty KING OF QUILL at 6/01/2004 02:09:00 PM
2 Comments:
I found your comments about strength interesting. I think we all struggle with strength, as you said mental and physical ... and we find that we feel best about ourselves when we push ourselves to the limits physically. But your post leaves me with the question that always makes me curious ... why is physical strength, other than endurance, so important to men? And how do we really push ourselves toward mental strength. Just some thoughts to ponder on a sunny day in Pennsylvania.
Well Rae, that's a good point...physically, that part has been most readily accessable to hone and perfect. Mental, that's a different story. Alot of mental training comes from simply living and experiencing, I think. Also, mentally, and in part spiritually, you can also be challenged, and a challenge in itself can be training, if it occurs often enough OR you're just a quick learner (I like to think I've had and am a bit of both of these). But physical power and strength is the easiest to use, mainly because we are using our physical abilities since birth; crawling, grabbing, etc. I also referred to endurance in the physical discussion, as if you don't have the strength you can endure very little sort of sense. Anyway, I hope this helps.
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