...on forgiveness vs. holding your ground...

Tonight is karaoke. I don't know who will be there for sure, but I know Joe will, possibly Scuba, and I know Fran is gonna be there because Joe is going. Should be fun. Maybe Erich will go.

@Heather: Hold on, lemme check...yep, I still love you more than ever! :)

I don't have much of substance to report lately...I do have this little philosophical item I also posted on the Council:

Faith VS. Proof

I’ve heard a lot of advocating towards forgiveness and second chances lately (and not just on the Council, mind you). This brings up a very odd question in my mind; what is required to do that?

Well, it’s certainly not a simplistic matter of just ‘forgiving’ someone. The process is easy for some, not so easy for others, but the level of difficulty does not change what is entailed. Let’s talk about what we know:

Proof: It occurs to me that while people change, they generally retain much of the traits and mannerisms that they developed early on. In short, yes people change, but they never change COMPLETELY. Just as an example, James S. was an asshole when I met him; whether he’s still to this day AS MUCH of an asshole, I couldn’t tell you since I haven’t seen him. However, I have talked to someone that has, and he certainly didn’t seem to have changed very much. The chances I gave this guy were numerous, and he proved my wrong at every turn, to the point where I just...dropped the guy, completely. I believe that if you observe someone long enough, and interact with that person enough, you can gain a pretty clear understanding of what they’re all about. You can then deem whether said person is ‘worthy’ of repeated chances to make amends for certain things, or whether you just want to drop this person like a sack of dirt. In the case of James, I wouldn’t hang with him if you PAID me at this point…

Faith: …which brings us to the faith point of all this. Faith is a very good thing, intrinsically good, in fact. Even if you have ‘proof’ that someone is a certain way, giving a second chance, a third chance, and so on, requires faith that the controls are wrong, that this person CAN change in such a huge and altering way.

Now, I’m not saying that just because you ‘knew’ someone years ago that you have a solid handle of what they’re all about in the present. It doesn’t even follow that you really ‘knew’ said person completely to begin with. But, for this we use the example of the rat and the cheese. A rat is faced with a choice: a block of cheese or to resist hunger. The cheese is wired so that if the rat tries to eat it, he receives a nasty shock. After awhile, the rat is more likely to choose to not trust the cheese, given that the shock took place so many times. Now, that’s a very broad example, but it does make my point: we become conditioned, by experiences and interactions with certain people, to not trust them. To override this kind of conditioning, it would take an overwhelming amount of faith, something that our little rat friend would not have benefit of.

Here’s my view: I’m a strong believer in the good in a person. It’s very hard for me to truly hate another. So I have a large amount of blind faith, even after a few ‘shocks’ to my trust meter. This, unfortunately, gets me shocked more often than not, however. I believe that a healthy, reasonable amount of faith is good for a person. But I also believe that the proof does hold much salt; and when I say ‘proof’, I don’t mean that being ‘wronged’ or ‘betrayed’ is a solid fact of the person. What I mean is, in a social interaction, if you get burned, forgive, get burned again, forgive again, get burned yet again…eventually, the pattern just cannot be denied. And I do realize that people change, that’s the main X-factor in all of this, the idea that a person’s actions and mannerisms toward others can do a 180…however, ask yourselves this question: is there anyone if YOUR lives that you couldn’t forgive if you tried? Can you think of anyone that has wronged you in such an extreme way, that even if this person came back, started doing things that seem legitimate, there would still be mistrust there? This is the reason why some friendships fail, and cannot return to original status.

The point of all this?

Too much ‘faith’ greatly opens the possibility that history will repeat itself; it is because of this that some people always get betrayed.

Too much ‘proof’ increases the chances that you will be too unfair; it is because of this that some people never get the chances to legitimately make right on things.

What is ultimately needed, from everyone, is an objective mix of ‘faith’ and ‘proof’:

Give people a chance; hear them out. They might surprise you. Everybody makes mistakes, everyone is human. Compassion is one of the things that separate us from the animals; forgiveness IS divine.

But also, don’t leave yourself open to stabs in the back; trust is a privilege that YOU personally give to another individual, it is NOT a right that they are entitled to. One of the major problems in our society today is that people believe there should be a ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ mentality; that view is not conducive to a proper, trust-filled relationship. There SHOULD be consequences for certain actions, and the lack of belief in consequences for things done is a growing problem in today’s world.

Quilled Tunes: "Sober" - Tool

Quote of the Blog: "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Mohandas Gandhi